My First Pole – Spring 2013

image3Before I had kids, a girlfriend and I talked about taking some sort of dance class. I had seen some pole videos online and thought it looked amazingly beautiful. My friend suggested belly dancing but that it didn’t appeal to me much. I found a pole studio within the area with drop in classes but we never ended up going.

After I had kids, I decided I needed to do something active in order to feel good about myself again. I also needed to find myself, as a woman, rather than mother. So I took a giant leap and bought a pole.

My first pole was from Spencer’s and not expensive one as I was unsure whether it was something I would like and stick to. My husband set it up in our bedroom and I was so excited. However, reality quickly sank in that I had no idea what I was doing. I tried to watch videos online but I felt silly trying it myself.

I was at a firefighter charity event with some friends and the girls from the studio I found years ago were doing pole demonstrations. I was in complete awe of what the girls could do and it made me determined to try. I was inspired and wanted to be strong and confident like them.

I found it interesting how my friends reacted that evening when I told them I bought a pole. I was asked if it was because my husband wanted me to do it. I explained it was something I have been interested in doing for a long time, for myself, and he is just being supportive. That was my first of many judgements I have gotten throughout my pole journey.

The Beginning of My Journey

image1Like most woman, I have always struggled with my self esteem. I have always been naturally thin so most people are surprised when I tell them how much I wrestle with my self image.The problem is being super skinny is the only way I identified myself and took pride in that. When I would gain even 5 pounds, I would see my myself as fat and sink into a depression. I would feel like I lost control over myself. I am my own worst critic and mentally beat myself up.

When I was a teenager and having a difficult time, I used food to regain control in my life. I did everything from starving myself, using laxatives and purging. Luckily, I managed to get out of the toxic relationship I had with food before I caused myself harm.

I was never athletic even as a kid. Never played sports, hated gym class, and never worked out. I always had an interest in dance but my mom could not afford to put me in classes. My dream as a little girl was to be a ballerina and I was envious of girls that got to take classes.

When I got into my 20’s I decided I wanted to try to get toned. I joined a few gyms but they really weren’t my thing. I went because I paid for it but I couldn’t get really into it. Because my effort was minimal, so was my results. Once my memberships expired, I had no desire to renew them as I was still skinny without having to go to the gym. Likewise, I bought home gym equipment and abandoned it quite quickly.

Then my world of being skinny changed after I had 2 kids in 2.5 years. My body went through so many changes within a short period of time. I managed to loose the baby weight quickly but my body just wasn’t the same anymore. I struggled with new birth control and my weight as well as my emotions went up and down. There was a point where my clothes were falling off of me and then I would gain some weight and people asked me if I was pregnant again. I hated my body more than ever and knew I had to make a change.