Like most woman, I have always struggled with my self esteem. I have always been naturally thin so most people are surprised when I tell them how much I wrestle with my self image.The problem is being super skinny is the only way I identified myself and took pride in that. When I would gain even 5 pounds, I would see my myself as fat and sink into a depression. I would feel like I lost control over myself. I am my own worst critic and mentally beat myself up.
When I was a teenager and having a difficult time, I used food to regain control in my life. I did everything from starving myself, using laxatives and purging. Luckily, I managed to get out of the toxic relationship I had with food before I caused myself harm.
I was never athletic even as a kid. Never played sports, hated gym class, and never worked out. I always had an interest in dance but my mom could not afford to put me in classes. My dream as a little girl was to be a ballerina and I was envious of girls that got to take classes.
When I got into my 20’s I decided I wanted to try to get toned. I joined a few gyms but they really weren’t my thing. I went because I paid for it but I couldn’t get really into it. Because my effort was minimal, so was my results. Once my memberships expired, I had no desire to renew them as I was still skinny without having to go to the gym. Likewise, I bought home gym equipment and abandoned it quite quickly.
Then my world of being skinny changed after I had 2 kids in 2.5 years. My body went through so many changes within a short period of time. I managed to loose the baby weight quickly but my body just wasn’t the same anymore. I struggled with new birth control and my weight as well as my emotions went up and down. There was a point where my clothes were falling off of me and then I would gain some weight and people asked me if I was pregnant again. I hated my body more than ever and knew I had to make a change.